Cycles

I never noticed it until I started working with my therapist.  Things that are "bad" or "go wrong" in my life are things that just repeat itself.  The feelings that I am feeling now, the thoughts I am having over my body and eating habits, my feelings of isolation and desperation...this is everything I felt a few years ago when I was leaving college....and in high school...and before high school...and every time I was having problems in between that.

The things that I say to myself now are the exact things I said to 13 year old self.  Nothing has changed.  As frustrating as this is, I truly find it fascinating at the same time.  How come when we get older our problems don't leave us?  Our problems travel with us but form into more "adult" issues that carry.

I am also realizing my patterns of dreaming and not following though.  I had all these great goals to accomplish and I put them off for years because of reasons x, y and z.  For example, I really want to compete in a fitness competition.  Not because I have body dysmorphia, but because I know how accomplished and proud I would feel being able to finally become disciplined in something that I never had control over in my life.  I have wanted to trained for less than a year now and I have never given it an honest attempt.  This has been the same with many of my goals.

I feel so overwhelmed and confused.  My mind is so spacey and I don't know where to begin to feel focused and on track.  I so desperately want to feel validated and I have a purpose in life, but I just don't know where I belong.

Life is going on and I'm just recycling.

Motivation 5/8/12

My life is a mess.

Well, my life isn't a "mess" but I feel like one.  Mentally I am going crazy.  I'm dealing with a lot of emotional/anxiety issues right now.  What is starting them?  I have yet to figure it out.  I'm trying to go over that with my therapist but I just feel like I am losing my control.

If you've followed me long enough, you may remember me mentioning my body image complex.  I may have even gone as far as admitting that I believe I have had some form of an eating disorder.  This has been going on since I was 13, on and off.  I feel like I get control of my thoughts and habits and then all of a sudden I lose it.

I've lost it...again.

I've gained 12 pounds in like 6 weeks.  This could just be stress related (the stress of feeling fat) and it is definitely diet related; I'm an emotional eater.

Food is my drug and I've relapse. 

I went in to see my therapist twice last week because I just lost complete control of my eating.  I look in the mirror, see a fat person, feel bad about myself and then I eat.  I ordered a large pie of pizza, made myself eat mostly all of it, wallowed in my self pity, made myself run 8 miles and started taking diet pills.  That was in a matter of 2 hours. Imagine this type of ritual going on all day.

I just want to eat like a normal person.  I want to think like a normal person.  If I am "unhappy" about my body, I just want to be able to eat better and just work out.  I'm so tired of hating what I look like. I'm tired of obsessing about my body.  I'm tired of punishing myself with food and crazy extreme diets.

I'm just so tired and I hate feeling fat.

Pumpkin Protein Bars

I am following Jamie Eason's workout plan and diet for 12 weeks in order to prepare myself for competition training.  It is my way building good habits.  I don't find the diet and work out very difficult if you are willing to change your life style a bit in order to pick up healthier choices.  She has some great recipes and I'm definitely going to try to use them all to make this a fun experience.  My first experiment....(so delicious!!)

Pumpkin Protein Bars  

Ingredients: 

½ C Xylitol Brown Sugar Blend (Ideal) - I used brown sugar

1- 4 oz. jar baby food applesauce 

2 tsp. ground cinnamon 

1 ½ tsp. ground ginger 

½ tsp. ground clove 

1 tsp. baking powder 

1 tsp. baking soda 

½ tsp. salt 

2 tsp. vanilla extract 

4 large egg whites 

1- 15 oz. can of raw pumpkin 

2 C oat flour 

2 scoops vanilla whey protein 

½ cup almond milk 

½ C chopped walnuts (optional) 

 Directions: 

Preheat the oven to 350.   

Spray a 9 X 13 Pyrex dish with non-stick spray.   

Combine first 11 ingredients and mix well.   

Add the final 3 ingredients (4, if adding walnuts), and mix until incorporated.  

 Spread batter into the Pyrex dish and back for 30 min.   

Makes 24 squares. 

Nutrition (without walnuts):  1 square = 47 calories, .7 g fat, 8 g carbs, 3.7 g protein 

Nutrition (with walnuts):  1 square = 63 calories, 2.3 g fat, 8 g carbs, 4 g protein 

Last night

Last night was an over due night out.  We hit the town and had a blast.  I'm kind of bummed though, I lost my camera!!  I live for my camera and now I have to buy a new one.  I also broke my shoe, which I would say is evidence of a good night. haha.  I think it happened when I fell on the steps in the bar.  I didn't see the steps and I lost my balance with my heel and fell.  This was a sober fall, mind you. Quite entertaining.  But here are the some pics of the night before we headed out.

Birthday Shopping Spree

  My mom took me on an early birthday shopping spree at Marshalls.  I love stores like Marshalls and TJ Maxx.  You can get some great deals on good designer clothes.  Check out the newest addition to my wardrobe.

Last day of detox

Today was my last day of detoxing and it was probably the hardest.  This morning at work someone brought in Einstein's bagels with honey almost shmear.  Oooh...my favorite.  I thought about those bagels for about 2 hours.  I tried to think about all the delicious meals I am going to be making when I am done, which helped for a bit.

But then I got hungry.  The hungriest I have ever felt since starting this detox.  Because of my hunger, I started to lose my energy. I got moody and all I wanted to do was eat anything and everything!  I went food shopping for tomorrow and bought soft pretzels.  I gave in.  Funny thing is, they weren't even that good, but I just needed to eat.  I got home, tried to nap but I couldn't.  When I realized my roommate left, I made myself a sandwich.  I thought it would satisfy me but it didn't. I continued to eat deli meat and cheese to try and find the "spot" but I couldn't.  All the while, I'm exhausted and moody.  I realized I was repeating my habits - not happy, just eat.  

I stopped.  I want to say I regret it but I don't.  I am proud of my accomplishments even though I had quite a few failures throughout this process but I kept trying.  I am kind of happy I gave into food and tried to fill a spot.  Recognizing that food wasn't going to make me feel better felt good and I'm excited to move forward with my fitness goal.

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